Friday, December 24, 2021

 I came up with a story title, 'Reno Failure', that would be about a robbery gone bad in Reno. This is not that story. I was away from the interweb for a couple of weeks and could not Goog...research Reno and so know nothing about the place. I do however know my home town, a small city, Lafayette LA. Here's a fictional version.

UNEASY


It'll be easy.”

It's never easy.”

Well, that one time in Sacramento...”

I did a trey in Folsom for that. You fucking skated. It. Is. Never. Fucking. Easy.”

Well, that one time in...”

Shut up.”

Well...”

Shut the fuck up.”

That did the trick. Skater STFUed. The throbbing behind Strick's eye faded in the silence.


They were tiny casinos pretending to be truck stops. Something in the fucked up laws in this fucked up state allowed gambling machines at truck stops. Along the interstate were a fuckton of places with a couple of pumps, a case of oil, and an assload of machines.

Slots, poker, blackjack, roulette...any game designed to separate marks from money was rendered in electronic form. No dealers, croupiers, or sweet-assed cocktail waitresses made them pure profit. This interstate oasis offered travelers and tourists four chances to lose their per diem and gas money, one at the corner of each off-ramp.

North of the interstate was a lot of country. To the south (and Strick's surprise) was a small city. A university, several hospitals, and a flock of shopping mall. By the traffic Strick figured that a large part of the state was there to shop or see a doctor.

Cool. Bowling alley...bummer.”

Skater's bummertude was due to the marquee's message (“THANKS FOR SIXTY-THREE YEARS!”) and the pile of rubble adjacent to the giant bowling pin sign.

After a peruse (“'Zat an oil well? What the fuck's a po-boy?”) Strick drove them back near the off-ramp and began to plan. Skater's phone was plugged into the car to keep up with the power suck of constant YouTube-ing.

The trick was to get away and hide quickly then wait for the laws to widen their net past you. After that it was a matter of waiting until things were cool enough to travel.

Waiting with Skater was a chore. Strick stocked up on soft drinks, snacks, and delta-8 gummies then made sure Skater's phone charger and cable were in good shape. Handling Skater took planning and patience.

A big part of why it was never easy was because Skater was an idiot when he wasn't behind a gun. Cool as fuck on the job, a dumb-ass stoner off the clock.

Strick would have ditched Skater long ago but had promised their shared grandfather. Strick and Skater didn't believe in much bit they believed in their grandfather.


The plan was as solid as it could be. They had checked into another extended stay hotel with their fraudulent cards. The new place was close enough for a quick return but far enough away to not be immediately suspect. On they boosted a car and scouted a good spot to ditch it.

The casinos shared an armored car service. Strick blessed their confidence. They would hit at the load up of the second stop. He had seen that the guards were most alert at the first and last stops but were relaxed in between, more apt to chat and laugh with the minimal casino staff. Halfway through was the best time.


Then it was time.

The guards were cooperative, the off-duty cops were not. Skater stayed cool and died that way. Strick made it to the ICU but unfortunately survived.

He landed in a prison named after a place in Africa. Strick thought that the wet heat made that apt. Skater's death was on his tab and paid for a ride long enough to get him through criminal menopause. His grandfather was pissed and would not fill his commissary.

It. Is. Never. Fucking. Easy.

 During a recent therapy session I was given a writing assignment, a 'personal myth'. It was half fill-in-the-blank, half freeform. This is not that exercise but a polished version.

The Fox and the Sphinx:

An Ironically Self-Aware Fable

Once upon a time there was a fox who was, of course, named Rénard. He lived in the fabled woods with style and panache.

More than anything he wanted knowledge but his library card had expired. Thus he was forced to wander far in his daily hunt seeking sustenance for his body and mind.

One day while hunting he met a sphinx named Tisiphone.

Hello, fox. I'm Tisiphone, a sphinx.”

Well met, sphinx. I'm Rénard, a fox. May I call you Tizzy, lady sphinx?”

The sphinx gave the fox some side-eye.

No, fox, you may not. Now let's us stop pussy-footing (that's funny because I have the body of a lion, y'see) and get this myth going.”

The fox gave the sphinx some side-eye.

Your pardon, myth (that's a pun...myth, miss), this is not a myth but a fable.”

The sphinx looked about and sniffed the air.

Spit. I've wandered into the wrong genre. Thanks, fox.”

The fox nodded agreeably.

Happy to help, myth (that's still a pun).”

The sphinx spread her wings, sprang into the air, and flew off.

Nice lady,” the fox said and went to Starbuck's for a venti mocha and a lemon bar.

As the fox said to the sphinx this is a fable and fables have morals, a pithy life lesson woven into the narrative. The moral of this fable is that one should keep one's library card up to date.

FIN

Wednesday, October 30, 2019


Death of a Salesman


Because he was out standing in his field! HAWWW!”

Yeah, good one, Ed. 'Scuse me.”
-

It was two tired! HAWWW!”

Ha. Pardon me, Ed.”
-

European! HAWWW!"

Right, Ed. Have a breath mint or something.”
-

Igloos it together! HAWWW!”

Jeezum, Ed! How much of that cheap-ass whiskey did you bring?”
-

People are just dying to get in! HAWWW!”

Goddammit, Ed, stop the drinking and SHUT THE FUCK UP or you're fired!”
-

...and fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Stuck up motherfuckers always on my ass about stupid shit...”

The woods got dark quickly after Ed walked away from the corporate team-building retreat. He stumbled as he muttered through the dark forest.

I’m a faux pa! That's fucking funny! And it's, like...college funny. Fuck those fucks...”

Even in his drunken state Ed began to realize something was wrong. It was a lot chillier than it should be for the time of year. He turned up the collar of his old high school letterman's jacket. It was a little snug but with some discreet Hasselhoffing he could still force his way into it.

The something what was wrong slowly closed the distance between it and That Drunk-ass Ed In Sales.

"50 Cent featuring Nickelback! Fucking funny and, y'know...timely. And an associate degree is a degree, always wears purple and pink Edna in HR!"

The woods were silent except for Ed's monologue and drunken footsteps. The something that was wrong had Ed in its entirely figurative sight. It anticipated the imminent feast with something as close to glee as an eldritch horror could get.

"Because he couldn't see that well! Funny and, I mean...word play. So, fuck you mister literary author Patreon CEO Beauchamp! And your fucking Porsche!"

Suddenly it was before him. The walking corpse of a 13-point buck deer the size of a bull moose. Bone showed through the oozing gashes in its putrid body. Its head was mostly skull but where eyesockets should have been there was nothing but gleaming bone.

"Wha...wha...wha...what are you?"

Its voice bypassed his ears and settled directly in his brain. It gripped his soul in an icy grasp.

"You know what I am, Ed. You called Me. You summoned Me."

The horror of it stilled his loose tongue and loosened his bladder. That Drunk-ass Ed In Sales had spewed his last dad joke so the thing before him issued the punchline that he could not.

"
I am the no-eyed deer."

Ed could not even scream as his soul was consumed.
-

That Drunk-ass Ed In Sales' body was found four days later, the silent scream still on his face.

"What the hell happened to him?," a deputy sheriff asked of an EMT.

The EMT eyed the body for a moment then shrugged.

"No clue."


Thursday, January 5, 2012

Tools (a very short story)

"When all you've got is a hammer, everything looks like a kneecap."

"You mean a nail."

"Nah. You want pliers for those."